Garden Safari

My latest dream, like 'Cooksbridge Living', took place at my current property, surrounded by the green fields of the neighbouring farms. I was alone at home and Beibei kept escaping into the fields, prompting me to go out and hunt him down. It was a summer afternoon, one of those balmy days that emerge after a downpour. The local farmers were out and about working their fields. At some point my daughter Lulu turned up, and we sat in the garden together, chatting about animals and telling Beibei off for escaping. 

I heard the unmistakable baritone chuffing of hippos coming from the fields, and I ran to the fence in excitement. Could there really be wild hippos living in Cooksbridge? Lulu confirmed that she had seen some earlier, but being only four years old, was relatively non-plussed by the experience. I craned my neck over the encroaching vegetation but was unable to see anything. Eventually I found a gate in the foliage and pulled it open. On the other side, I was amazed to discover an African elephant, two ostriches, and a bunch of zebras and antelopes. They tried to push their way into my garden, so I hurriedly closed the gate again.

Once more I heard hippo snorts, and it seemed to be coming from the garden next to mine. I peered over the fence to find a big muddy pond that had been excavated from the lawn. Inside were a number of dark shapes swimming about, but the water was too murky to see clearly. An immense black lump broke the surface, the sweeping back of a killer whale. The whale fairly dominated the pond, with only enough space for it to swim forward a few feet. I picked up a long handled paddle and gave it a poke, hoping it would dislodge any hippos hiding there. As it glided through the water, it disturbed the other animals, which one by one, evacuated the pond. To my great confusion, they weren't hippos at all, but sea-lions. 

Toilet Spider

Of late my dreams have been obfuscated by matters that appear pressing but which in due course I will denounce as being of little import. One dream that I do remember involved the brutal rape of a wildebeest by a gang of squaddies, after which the beast then tried to inflict the same trauma upon me. The dream was spent in a harried state, rushing from room to room at a holiday chalet whilst the enraged gnu attempted to penetrate me. I do not give this dream its own entry, as I left it too long and the finer details have since eluded me. Perhaps for the best. 

Last night's dream also involved being chased by an animal, which is what reminded me of the above. I was studying French at university, and about to start my first class of the term, which was in the evening. I decided to visit the toilets first, and after going about my business I was dismayed to discover that the hand dryer was swarming with large black and yellow spiders. They looked exotic and poisonous, so I quickly wiped my hands on my trousers and went into the classroom next door. The lesson was already underway, and the teacher was a severe looking old woman with short grey hair. So much for my hopes of a chic fashionista! 

I took a seat at the back of the class and attempted to elude notice. Unfortunately, nothing escaped this teacher's beady eye, and she demanded to know my name, and why I was late. I apologised and explained the situation in the men's toilets, which I thought would be sufficient to let me off the hook. Without batting an eyelid at the report of a potentially dangerous spider swarm, she asked if I had notified security and I quickly lied that I had. She nodded and the class recommenced. After a short while, the teacher asked me what my hobbies and interests were. I asked if I should reply in French, to which she replied "no". I reeled off the usual - literature, creative writing, zoology, classical music, etc.

At the end of class, my friend Kate, who was also studying French, asked me to show her the spiders. We crept into the toilets but only one spider reminded, a big, pulsating bastard with vivid markings like a wasp. I am not an arachnophobe by any stretch of the imagination, in fact I'm rather fond of spiders, but Kate gasped and ran away. The spider appeared to see me, and it pounced. I joined Kate in her mad escape down the corridor. Looking back I saw the spider land with a plop on the floor and come scuttling after me at frightening speed. When it was close, it made another leap and almost caught me. I changed direction and ran back the way I had come, but the tenacious creature kept on me, determined to land a bite. I may have been screaming both in the dream and in real life...

Prehistoric Relics

I was at the University of Essex with my friend Darren, traversing the halls of the literature department as we often did. At some point we took a wrong turn and ended up lost in the science department. We blundered into a large lab where an archaeology seminar was in full swing. Skulls of dinosaurs and prehistoric beasts covered the walls, and there were dinosaur skeletons on plinths in the centre of the room, this being a museum room of sorts. As we tried to escape without being noticed, the skull of a Tyrannosaur fell off the wall and clattered to the floor. A piece of delicate bone filament snapped off and skittered across the floor. The ruckuss attracted the attention of the lecturer.

He seemed non-plussed by the damage, or indeed our presence, and we quickly explained that we had taken a wrong turn. Another student picked up the dramaged bone filament and replaced it with ease onto the skull. Perhaps it was only a model. I became interested in the seminar and didn't want to leave. The lecturer projected a holographic image of a giant prehistoric marine creature onto an empty plinth. I believe it was a helicoprion, a strange looking shark often called the buzzsaw shark on account of its bizarre lower jaw. The holographic creature unfurled its coiled lower jaw and began using it as a pump to draw microscopic creatures into its mouth. The behaviour was speculative, as most of paleontology is.

Indian Forest

I don't think I have any readers on this blog, but if there are any lurkers, you may have noticed that the last six entries have been old dreams pulled from my archive. The reason for this is that I've been too busy to write them down lately. I've dreamt about a giant moth fluttering at the patio doors, monstrous creatures (including mutant bats and a werewolf with a fleshy sac erupting from its chest) laying siege to my house, and a fair amount of Brighton ambulatory excursions. My latest dream took place in the sweltering forests of India.

The forest seemed more like a British wood, for having never explored a real tropical jungle (at least not in recent memory), my unconscious mind could not paint the appropriate canvas. There were sweaty ferns, swarms of midges and the vastness that one might expect be found in a genuine jungle, but most of the trees and plants were of a variety found closer to home. Whilst I was aware of the presence of exotic animals such as Indian rhinos, Asiatic black bears, and tigers, I did not see any of them. Nonetheless, the thrill of knowing that these exciting and dangerous animals were around kept the hairs on the back of my neck sufficiently tingled. 

I was with a group of people and we were camping out in the jungle, which I'm now tempted to call 'woods'. When darkness fell, we had to rely on our torches for light, and the primal fears began to kick in. The torch battery was only good for brief bursts of light, a few seconds at most, but we had also been instructed to save the battery for another reason, namely that prolonged illumination might attract unwanted predators. With this in mind, I was still eager to explore and see what animals might come out at night, so I went for a walk around camp.

Intermittently flashing the torch upwards towards the tree canopy, I was unsettled to discover that we were surrounded by a huge number of monkeys. The beam did not stay on long enough to discern what species they might be, but they were various, of all shapes and sizes. With some few exceptions, monkeys are by nature diurnal animals, and this is the second time this year I've dreamt about them being active at night. I write 'active', and yet for the most part they simply sat, squatted, hung and perched amongst the branches and vines overhead, albeit ominously. I became very conscious that at any moment I could be hit by a stream of urine, or worse, faecal matter. I returned to camp heavy with fear and foreboding.