The Last Seduction

I am currently breakfasting at a holiday camp in Dorset, attempting to put down my last dream of 2022 with hyper children around me. I don't think this blog has any readers, but incase it does, I should point at that I have no desire, consciously or unconsciously, to have an affair or liaison with another woman. Dreams do as dreams do. In this dream, I was in the same job as in real life, only the location was the University of Essex, where I used to work. My colleagues were all the same, with some new additions. It was a Sunday when I decided to drive to campus to catch up on emails, not wanting to have a flooded inbox on the first day back after New Year. To my surprise the office was busy, but I logged onto the PC and instead of reading emails, I booted up Zoo Tycoon. Before long, a woman came over and asked me to move, as Sunday was her work day and she hotdesked at the same computer. I relinquished the PC and headed back to the car park. 

On the way, I noticed that the squares were populated by lots of students in flamboyant outfits. They were celebrating the Vagina Monologues, an annual SU event. They seemed to be mostly lesbians, who all began to kiss at the same time. I weaved through them and climbed a steep grassy slope to the multi-storey carpark. The slope was full of cowpats, but I managed to successfully navigate them until I got to the very top and my trousers dragged through one. With my trousers coated in dung, I reached the carpark but couldn't remember where I parked. On the way up the staircase to the first floor, I snagged my car keys on the mesh railing and spent several minutes trying to free it. A group of boys walked past and helped me to get them free, then I was in my Citreon driving back to the holiday camp, which was only a 30 minute drive in the dream. There was a dream shift, and I was back in the office working, although I was the only one from my team present.

Before long, I was approached by a young woman from the arts and crafts department in the same building. She worked on the floor surrounded by fabric and textiles. I had seen her around before, but had made no effort to socialise with her or anyone else outside of my immediate team. She tried to make nice with me, but being stilted and repressed in the dream, I was not reciprocative. Later on, I received an email from my manager which annoyed me, so I decided to slack off for the rest of the day. I went over to the girl and sat down on the floor next to her, for a chat. She was visibily delighted by my sudden sociability and went to make me one of her special teas. She was dressed all in pink with dyed hair, and was a cross between Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter, Brooklyn from Camp Cretaceous, and Enid from Wednesday, yet definitely more on the hippy dippy side. I was still socially awkward at this point, but I apologised for my aloofness, and the girl, who I think was called Ingrid, said she would give me a tour of the campus.

There was a festival atmosphere, with everyone dressed in extravagant oufits for Guy Fawkes night. Stalls were set up all around, flogging food and drink, arts and crafts, herbs and spices. There were entertainment booths with weaponry displays, a haunted house, archery practice, homemade knick-knacks. Ingrid introduced me to lots of weird and wacky people around campus, gently ribbing me for not having made the effort before, and chastising me for not remembering anyone's name. She held my hand as she led me around, and I felt self-conscious that colleagues might see us together and think I was cheating on my wife. She left me at a group of stalls whilst she flitted off to meet some other people, telling me she would be back shortly. There was a pets stall, and one for alchemy with various potions for sale. Here I met Thomas Felton, the actor who played Draco Malfoy in the Harry Potter films. He was dressed as Malfoy, but was a very agreeabe chap to talk to and not at all like his character. My awkwardness gradually melted away as the dream progressed.

Ingrid returned and became very flirtatious. Some of her female friends began to make comments about us being a couple, and I did not put a stop to it. The animal brain was taking over, thoughts of my family life and church vows diminishing under the onslaught of this vivacious young woman. She was not my type at all, and her skin was rather bad, but it had been a long time since I had had my ego stroked, and I was succumbing to her charms. I asked if I could have another of her teas, which she deciphered into a metaphor for something else. She led me to a colleague's former office, which she assured me would be safe from the prying eyes of other staff members. We went inside and pulled down the blinds, but just before we embraced, I noticed a dark Muslim woman sitting in the corner at a PC. We pulled apart and made our excuses. Ingrid then led me down a spiral metal staircase outside. Halfway down, she stopped, bared her breast, and flung herself at me. I did not resist, but after a few hurried kisses, I pulled away, overcome with shame and guilt. I insisted that we go back to the main office for a cup of tea, and I awoke not long after. 

Zebra Adoption

Usually when I visit zoos in dream world, I'm on my own, but last night my family came with me. It was my mother, three sisters, and daughter, and I had been invited to adopt the zoo's zebras. There were other animals I'd rather have adopted, but this was the species that had been selected for me. More than your regular adoption scheme, I was expected to take charge of the zebras and have official ownership, but first I had to inspect them. I was adamant that only the very best and cleanest specimens would do, so I went into a barn where they were paraded before me. Although not as grubby as I had feared, I was a little put out to discover that they were off the maneless variety, such as are housed at Colchester Zoo. I grumbled a little to my mother, but at the same time, I was worried about missing out on this unique opportunity, and I agreed to the adoption. 

Immediately in front of the zebra paddocks were some glass tanks occupied by a strange species of plated snake with a name I could not pronounce but which had lots of O's and lots of C's. They were half buried in soil with only their coiled tails visible, segmented with bony ridges like a desert skink. At length, they began to unwind, spiralling up out of the earth. Lulu watched fascinated as they spun around like Catherine wheels, eventually rearing their wormy heads and striking opened mouthed at us. "Aggressive little buggers, aren't they?" I said, inspecting their rows of needle-like fangs brushing impotently against the glass. "I don't like them daddy," said Lulu before running away. 

My mother and younger sisters decided it was time to move on and see some new animals. As we left the zebra house behind, my older sister Fallon joined us and said she'd been watching the koalas, which were in the same building. I told her I would have liked to see them too, but she told me not to bother, as they'd spent the whole time curled into tight balls and sleeping. We reached an enclosure that was home to golden lion tamarins, their orange tails dangling from a jumble of dense foliage like feathery lures. It was a steep drop down to their enclosure, separating guests with only a waist high wall. I leaned over and calculated how many stories down it would be, asking Dana if you she thought I would survive if I fell. "Probably," she replied, "but you'd be permanently crippled." I imagined myself lying there on the concrete, with tamarins poking my broken body.

Calais Cove

I wanted to go to Paris, and my colleague Isabelle, who is French, was heading there herself, so we decided to travel together. For reasons unknown, there were no trains running, including the Eurostar. Planes were a no-go too, so we settled on walking. Google Maps estimated that if we kept a steady pace and trekked through the night, we could be there within three hours. The app was not exactly accurate, as we did walk all night through the English countryside and still hadn't reached the Channel Tunnel. We hiked over ditch and dale, trying to avoid motorways but getting turned around in the wrong direction and needing to recalibrate. We eventually reached the Tunnel, only it was a bridge we had to cross.

Towards dawn we finished crossing the bridge and arrived in Calais, where Isabelle lived with her husband. She suggested that we stop over at her house before making the rest of the journey by train to Paris. I sat in the guest room, reorganising my suitcase and wondering what I was doing, yet eager to be on my way. First I was made to join Isabelle and her husband for dinner, and although I appreciated the hospitality, I was in an antisocial mood and felt the small talk painful. I asked about her sons, whose photographs were spread around the dining room. The doorbell rang and Isabelle announced it was time to go, her friend had arrived to accompany us to the train station.

On the way, Isabelle's friend, a fifty something year old woman, wanted to show me a cove in the town where local families caught their fish. Isabelle was proud of her town, and eager to share the treasured spot with me too. I was impatient with all these diversions, but agreed anyway, telling myself that as soon as I got to Paris, I could go off on my own. The cove was much more than I could have imagined. Up a small flight of stone steps, and through a narrow passage between two houses, we came upon it. A hidden retreat nestled behind picturesque houses with their well tended gardens, it seemed as though this was the only spot in the town where the sun shone. Limestone cliffs encircled the bay, with only a small opening to the sea.

The waters of the cove were choppy and dark blue. They were also teeming with fish, leaping and broncing clear of the surface, their sharp heads gaping in stupefaction as fish are wont to do. I was amazed at their abundance, and could see why the locals ate so well. "Bluefin tuna!" I declared, instantly recognising them. Isabelle and her friend affirmed that I was correct. "I thought these fish were now endangered?" I queried. My guides told me they were only found in this particular spot, gathering for no discernible reason where they were easily snagged by fishermen. After a quick look, we turned back for the station and our pilgrimage continued. The rest of the dream was uninteresting. A backpacker girl approached me looking for drugs, and I eventually said goodbye to Isabelle and boarded the train to Paris.

Mediterranean Monoliths

In this exciting and sun soaked dream, I was on holiday in the Mediterranean (Spain, I think) with my wife Li, sitting in the passenger seat as she drove along a narrow coastal road. The road climbed higher and was eventually taken over by a glass walkway that wrapped itself aroud the cliff, just wide enough for one vehicle. It appeared to be for pedestrians only, but Li drove onto it anyway, slowing to a crawl to account for the tight twists. I told her that we should park and proceed on foot, but she was anxious to get to our hotel, and it had already been a long drive. As we rounded a corner, the full expanse of the twinkling blue Mediterranean sea spread out below us, bordered by glistening yellow beaches swarming with tourists. I marvelled at the view, but Li could not look, being too occupied with driving. 

All of a sudden there was a massive spume of water belching into the air, and a colossal stone monument rose from the depths of the ocean. Staggering in its majesty, it was a statue of Poseidon, lord of the sea, wielding his mighty trident. It broke the surface at a tilt, the prongs of the trident casting judgement over the coast, bobbed up and down a few times, then sank back into the sea up to its shoulders, causing a huge wave. Another structure appeared, the spire of an ancient citadel, and then its dome, yawning and rolling on the swell. Then the fractured stern of an old fasioned galley, vertically aloft. It was the ocean giving up its subterranean secrets, regurgitating the relics of a lost culture. I stared dumbfounded at the spectacular sight, my eyes unable to process everything. I insisted that we had to return on foot after we'd reached the hotel. On the beaches, the tourists and locals swarmed like ants.

Unfortunately, the rest of the dream is not fit for public view.

Midlife Crisis

I dreamt that I was divorced from my wife and shacked up with a much younger woman, someone I knew from my university days. We had met during a heavy drinking session at the student bar, and were now in a double bed together, although I don't think anything had actually happened between us. The woman began to comment on my appearance, telling me that I was no longer as attractive as I had been in my younger days. I am not a vain person, so I took the comments without offence, even agreeing with her. I told her that I was a lot older than when we first met. She was not content with leaving things there, and went on to point out all my failings, including whiting hair, and a droopiness about my face. I asked her if the solution was to dye my hair and get botox. She folded her arms and pouted, moving over to her side of the bed.

I realised that I did not want to continue relations with this young woman. I was on the verge of suggesting that we broke up, as I did not have the luxury of time to waste my energy on a doomed fling. However, my resolve faltered at the last moment, and the words stuck in my throat. I worried about how she would react, and thought perhaps it would be better for her to take the initiative so that my conscience would be clear. The more I dwelled on it, the more I realised that it had been a mistake to divorce my wife. I was awoken by her at that point, but, still half asleep, I told her to leave me be, as I needed to break up with my new girlfriend first. I don't usually write these kinds of dreams down, but it could be useful to have as a record of my state of mind at this point in my life, for better or worse.

Hedgehogs and Abduction

In this double bill, I had a sweet and innocent dream, followed by a not so sweet and innocent one. I was watching my daughter sleeping, her bed next to open patio doors to let in some air, when I noticed a hedgehog snuffling into the room. It was a big old specimen, the largest I've ever seen, with a similar body shape to the one pictured below. It climbed onto the bed, towards Lulu's sleeping head, then disappeared into the dark nook behind the pillow and headboard. I called Li over to take a look, shining my torch into the blackness behind the headboard. Three pairs of white eyes reflected back at us, indicating that there was a whole pickle of them nestled back there. I decided to leave them be, as they didn't seem interested in disturbing our daughter. This dream was clearly symbolic of the fact Lulu has recently started school and is in the 'hedgehogs' reception group.

In the second part, I was catching an Uber home to Cooksbridge when the driver, a balding Ukranian man called Dimitri, overshot it. I asked him to turn around when he could. Inexplicably, even after reaching an obvious turning point at the Rainbow pub car park, he carried on driving. I asked him to let me out, but he put his head on my shoulder and began snuggling into me whilst driving, telling me that he liked me and wanted me to stay. I began to hyperventilate, realising it was a hostage situation. I tried to open the door but he had control of the locks. After driving a bit further, to an unfamiliar estate, he stopped in a quiet car park and made his advances. I fought my way out of the uber, shouting for help, as he chased after me. He grabbed hold of me and tried to pull my trousers down, at which point, roused by my shouts, some residents appeared and I was able to run away. This was no doubt triggered by watching the Netflix series about the gay serial killer, Jeffrey Dahmer.

Leatherface Attacks

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) has held a special place in my psyche since I saw it for the first time at the ripe old age of 15. I was getting into horror films in a big way, but TCM had always eluded me due to it being banned in the UK. On an historic night, it was aired on Channel 4 for the first time in the UK, in the summer of 2000. I remember it well. I had just to moved to Essex and was renting a house with my family, at Chaney Road in Wivenhoe. It was a sweltering hot summer's evening, crickets were chirping (before crickets went virtually extinct in Britain), and I was still in a state of discombobulation after the move, my anxiety levels at a natural high. The film scared me senseless. Halfway through, during an advert break, I joined my sister in her room to watch the rest. We had taped it on VHS and watched it every day for weeks after. I had never been so terrified and delighted by a film in equal measure, and I doubt I ever will again. It swiftly became my favourite horror film, perhaps my favourite film of all time.

I ignored the first Leatherface dream I had this year, as I didn't believe it held any great significance. But when another one happened a few months later, I thought I'd better take notice. The first dream happened during daylight hours, in a western town in Texas. It was all dusty saloons, barns with hanging corpses on meathooks, weathered old men with shotguns, and Leatherface running rampant from house to house with his chainsaw, leaving a trail of destruction. Enough time has passed that I forget the finer details, but it was part 2 in a dream about threatening hillbillies. The first section had been a scenario with Straw Dogs ne'er-do-wells with rifles, who were intent on using my wife and I as target practice as we ran across a field to escape the village hall where they were shacked up.

In my latest Leatherface dream, he was wearing the pretty lady mask (pictured below) and was stalking me through a rambling farmstead at night. The lights of the house were all on, as it was populated by teenagers having a party, but it was black as pitch outside, a sweltering summer night. The dream had me running up staircases, setting booby traps Home Alone style, hiding in cupboards, and jumping through windows to escape. The relentless buzz of the chainsaw rung through the house, pursuing me wherever I went. There was nowhere to go and I was running out of hiding places. Occasionally I would hear the screams of other people in the house as they were murdered, and would later find their mangled corpses and trails of blood. I don't remember how the dream ended, but it was a white-knuckle ride.

Bird Warden

I was living in a big rustic house in the country, and there was an intense atmosphere of anxiety. Although beautifully situated, surrounded by trees, with large windows opening onto orchards and well cultivated gardens, I could not shake a sense of foreboding. I was soon to discover why. Tucked away in the drawer of an old wooden bureau was an aviary's worth of live birds. They were tied into bundles with string, packed tighter than sardines so that they couldn't move. When I pulled open the drawer, one of the birds broke free and began flapping around the room. I hurriedly closed the drawer, appalled by the claustrophobic sight of all those panting beaks and glassy eyes.

I focused my attention on the bird that had escaped. I would have to go through my bird encyclopedia to identify it properly, but it looked a little like an Australian treecreeper, with a long, dark beak and pied plumage. After flying frantically around the room, it discovered an open window and disappeared into the garden. Li turned up  and told me I would have to learn how to care for the birds, as I was to become their warden. It then made sense that was a multitude of bird cages, perches, and bird droppings situated around the house. I don't know why they had been stuffed into the drawer when the previous occupant moved out. 

After worrying that I had lost the first bird, it eventually returned and I discovered that it was a mimic, like the myna bird. I taught it to say "Hello Lulu" so I could surprised my daughter when she got back from preschool. This backfired, and the bird thought I was called Lulu, forever after greeting me as such in its piping voice. My levels of anxiety spiked when I considered the birds still waiting to be released, fed, and cared for. I was horrified at finding them in such a condition, but also quite afraid of them. The thought of untying them all and setting them loose in the house prevented me from stepping up to my duty. 

The Martians

Back in the 1960s, when the excitement of space exploration was still at its peak, a young couple from America were shuttled to Mars. It was a one way trip to colonise the Red Planet and to begin laying the seeds of infrastructure that might allow more settlers to move there in the future. They were a happy-go-lucky couple, content in their own company, passionate about their mission, and quite reconciled to the fact they would never see their home planet, or another person, again. The trip was successful and they formed a modest agricultural homestead, However, with no way to keep in touch, the world promptly forgot about them. Until now.

Using cutting edge probe technology, the BBC successfully made contact with the pioneers and was able to film a documentary on their lives. Living alone for almost 50 years with no outside contact, the couple had naturally undergone significant changes, yet no one could have foreseen what the probe uncovered. Both the man and the woman still sported long tangled manes of hair, they had been hippies in the 60s and, isolated from changing fashion trends, they had remained thus. Their hair had not turned grey, and they had not visibly aged to the extent one might have expected. The woman was by all accounts a midget and her voice was high and squeaky, sounding like she regularly huffed on helium. Other than that, she was the more normal of the two.

The man was another story. Somehow during his sojourn on Mars, he had lost both of his legs. The low gravity on the planet meant that this was not as much of a handicap, and he still enjoyed good mobility. More shockingly, his head had detached from his body, rendering him a living torso. His head was connected to his neck by a long hose, passing vital nutrients and oxygen back and forth. Most amazingly of all, he had not only learned how to play an electric synthesiser type instrument, but his severed head was still able to sing. He cut a horrifying sight, his ghoulish, legless torso perched on a chair whilst his hands played the keys, a haunting, otherwordly tune. Meanwhile, at the end of his winding nutrient hose, his head would sing lustily into the stars, a groaning, guttural refrain.

The documentary then went onto showcase the couple's bizarre sex life. Despite lacking legs, genitalia, and a head, the man had lost none of his libido. His chipmunk voiced wife chirped animatedly about how she would lube herself up in oil and slither and slide over her husband's torso, stimulating him in new and unorthodox ways. The documentary was too much to bear, and I turned it off in disgust. I awoke with a foul, nauseous taste in my mouth, and was queasy for some hours after. Beware the Martians, for they have transcended our mortal ways.

Cliffside Retreat

This dream had a distinct sense of deja vu. Many of its elements have already appeared in previous dreams. The cliffs surrounding a rocky cove, a horse ride, sea lions in the surf, a predatory polar bear. It was a private sanctum known only to myself, which I visited on occasion for quiet reflection and for riding my black stallion, Bucephalus, named after Alexander the Great's horse. On this occasion, I had invited my friend Darren to join me, eager to finally share the location and show off my horse. I seemed more excited by the fact that the horse was black, thinking this would be its main selling point. Darren turned up with a few beers which we drank together on the rocks, watching the pounding waves. I suggested a few times that we should ride Bucephalus together, but he seemed wary of the venture and declined. Eventually he left and I was alone again.

I mounted my horse and galloped along the tops of the cliffs, feeling the wind in my hair. When I grew weary of this, I climbed back down to the cove and sat watching the sleek forms of sea lions gambolling in the water. I couldn't get a good look at them as they were farther out than usual. It was cold, and the water was a steely grey. I decided that if the sea lions wouldn't come to me, I would go to them. As I started to hug the narrow path along the base of the cliff, heading towards the tip of a peninsula that would bring me closer, I heard a bone chilling roar and a waterlogged polar bear came charging towards me. I turned and ran, turning into a narrow gulley carved into the cliffs. I used overhanging trees and ledges to pull myself up, but soon realised I was trapped with nowhere higher to climb. The polar bear made a concentrated effort to reach me, but it was unable to scale the cliffs. I realised I would have to remain here until somebody found me, or the bear got bored and left.

Plane Crash

I hate flying. Really I loathe it. I've flown a lot of long haul over the years, so it has become associated with boredom and discomfort. My long legs can no longer handle the confines of economy, or risk the gamble of securing a bulkhead seat, so now I must fork out large chunks of money for the comfort that business class brings. Even then, I find it impossible to relax on a plane, much less sleep. After a number of hair-raising experiences in the sky, my dislike eventually evolved into fear. One too many forced landings, emergency returns to port of origin, and extreme turbulence have made me into a nervous flyer. Imagine my relief when COVID-19 broke and I was no longer required to fly anywhere. But that restriction is almost at an end, and with it came a dream highlighting a prevalent fear. May it not turn out prophetic.

I was on a small plane, flying out from one Chinese city to another. It was a similar aircraft to the TransAsia prototype model that crashed into the Keelung River in Taiwan in 2015, resulting in the deaths of 48 passengers. Most terrifying of all, I had my young daughter with me, her safety of which is of greater importance than my own. We took off from a small runway hemmed in by skyscrapers, and no sooner had we cleared it than one of the wings scraped the side of a tower and twisted the plane sharply out of its skyward trajectory. The pilot informed us that we did not have time to gain enough altitude, so would be forced to make an emergency landing. My nails dug into my sweaty palms as I held my daughter close and struggled to control my breathing. The pilot managed to align the plane along a main road, bearing low towards the ground, searching for a place relatively devoid of traffic where he could touch down. The wings were too broad for the narrow pass however, and their tips received another scraping from the flanking buildings. Sparks flew, traffic screeched out of the plane's path, but we ground to a bumpy halt with no more damage than our frayed nerves and some buckled wings.

We were shuttled back to the airport on a coach, then it was a long and tedious layover period whilst a replacement plane was sourced for us, during which time I lolled around the terminal lobby with a bored child. When it was finally time to board, many of us were dismayed to discover that it was exactly the same plane as before. We were reassured that it had been fixed and deemed flight worthy, yet once onboard, it became apparent that the pilot himself was far from convinced. It was another long wait before we were eventually able to take off. In that time, I got to know a lot of the other passengers, including a Muslim man who kept frantically praying and chanting. I returned to my seat as we climbed into the sky, and after a smooth ascent, I began to feel at ease. The flight continued without mishap, until all of a sudden, an alarm from the cockpit started blaring. The cockpit was visible to the rest of the plane, and I saw the pilot breaking down into a panic, screeching a distress message into an intercom. The plane shuddered and began to tip. Everyone screamed as we began to pick up speed and hurtle back towards the ground. I hugged my child close and squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for the end. Then I woke up.

Garden Safari

My latest dream, like 'Cooksbridge Living', took place at my current property, surrounded by the green fields of the neighbouring farms. I was alone at home and Beibei kept escaping into the fields, prompting me to go out and hunt him down. It was a summer afternoon, one of those balmy days that emerge after a downpour. The local farmers were out and about working their fields. At some point my daughter Lulu turned up, and we sat in the garden together, chatting about animals and telling Beibei off for escaping. 

I heard the unmistakable baritone chuffing of hippos coming from the fields, and I ran to the fence in excitement. Could there really be wild hippos living in Cooksbridge? Lulu confirmed that she had seen some earlier, but being only four years old, was relatively non-plussed by the experience. I craned my neck over the encroaching vegetation but was unable to see anything. Eventually I found a gate in the foliage and pulled it open. On the other side, I was amazed to discover an African elephant, two ostriches, and a bunch of zebras and antelopes. They tried to push their way into my garden, so I hurriedly closed the gate again.

Once more I heard hippo snorts, and it seemed to be coming from the garden next to mine. I peered over the fence to find a big muddy pond that had been excavated from the lawn. Inside were a number of dark shapes swimming about, but the water was too murky to see clearly. An immense black lump broke the surface, the sweeping back of a killer whale. The whale fairly dominated the pond, with only enough space for it to swim forward a few feet. I picked up a long handled paddle and gave it a poke, hoping it would dislodge any hippos hiding there. As it glided through the water, it disturbed the other animals, which one by one, evacuated the pond. To my great confusion, they weren't hippos at all, but sea-lions. 

Toilet Spider

Of late my dreams have been obfuscated by matters that appear pressing but which in due course I will denounce as being of little import. One dream that I do remember involved the brutal rape of a wildebeest by a gang of squaddies, after which the beast then tried to inflict the same trauma upon me. The dream was spent in a harried state, rushing from room to room at a holiday chalet whilst the enraged gnu attempted to penetrate me. I do not give this dream its own entry, as I left it too long and the finer details have since eluded me. Perhaps for the best. 

Last night's dream also involved being chased by an animal, which is what reminded me of the above. I was studying French at university, and about to start my first class of the term, which was in the evening. I decided to visit the toilets first, and after going about my business I was dismayed to discover that the hand dryer was swarming with large black and yellow spiders. They looked exotic and poisonous, so I quickly wiped my hands on my trousers and went into the classroom next door. The lesson was already underway, and the teacher was a severe looking old woman with short grey hair. So much for my hopes of a chic fashionista! 

I took a seat at the back of the class and attempted to elude notice. Unfortunately, nothing escaped this teacher's beady eye, and she demanded to know my name, and why I was late. I apologised and explained the situation in the men's toilets, which I thought would be sufficient to let me off the hook. Without batting an eyelid at the report of a potentially dangerous spider swarm, she asked if I had notified security and I quickly lied that I had. She nodded and the class recommenced. After a short while, the teacher asked me what my hobbies and interests were. I asked if I should reply in French, to which she replied "no". I reeled off the usual - literature, creative writing, zoology, classical music, etc.

At the end of class, my friend Kate, who was also studying French, asked me to show her the spiders. We crept into the toilets but only one spider reminded, a big, pulsating bastard with vivid markings like a wasp. I am not an arachnophobe by any stretch of the imagination, in fact I'm rather fond of spiders, but Kate gasped and ran away. The spider appeared to see me, and it pounced. I joined Kate in her mad escape down the corridor. Looking back I saw the spider land with a plop on the floor and come scuttling after me at frightening speed. When it was close, it made another leap and almost caught me. I changed direction and ran back the way I had come, but the tenacious creature kept on me, determined to land a bite. I may have been screaming both in the dream and in real life...

Prehistoric Relics

I was at the University of Essex with my friend Darren, traversing the halls of the literature department as we often did. At some point we took a wrong turn and ended up lost in the science department. We blundered into a large lab where an archaeology seminar was in full swing. Skulls of dinosaurs and prehistoric beasts covered the walls, and there were dinosaur skeletons on plinths in the centre of the room, this being a museum room of sorts. As we tried to escape without being noticed, the skull of a Tyrannosaur fell off the wall and clattered to the floor. A piece of delicate bone filament snapped off and skittered across the floor. The ruckuss attracted the attention of the lecturer.

He seemed non-plussed by the damage, or indeed our presence, and we quickly explained that we had taken a wrong turn. Another student picked up the dramaged bone filament and replaced it with ease onto the skull. Perhaps it was only a model. I became interested in the seminar and didn't want to leave. The lecturer projected a holographic image of a giant prehistoric marine creature onto an empty plinth. I believe it was a helicoprion, a strange looking shark often called the buzzsaw shark on account of its bizarre lower jaw. The holographic creature unfurled its coiled lower jaw and began using it as a pump to draw microscopic creatures into its mouth. The behaviour was speculative, as most of paleontology is.

Indian Forest

I don't think I have any readers on this blog, but if there are any lurkers, you may have noticed that the last six entries have been old dreams pulled from my archive. The reason for this is that I've been too busy to write them down lately. I've dreamt about a giant moth fluttering at the patio doors, monstrous creatures (including mutant bats and a werewolf with a fleshy sac erupting from its chest) laying siege to my house, and a fair amount of Brighton ambulatory excursions. My latest dream took place in the sweltering forests of India.

The forest seemed more like a British wood, for having never explored a real tropical jungle (at least not in recent memory), my unconscious mind could not paint the appropriate canvas. There were sweaty ferns, swarms of midges and the vastness that one might expect be found in a genuine jungle, but most of the trees and plants were of a variety found closer to home. Whilst I was aware of the presence of exotic animals such as Indian rhinos, Asiatic black bears, and tigers, I did not see any of them. Nonetheless, the thrill of knowing that these exciting and dangerous animals were around kept the hairs on the back of my neck sufficiently tingled. 

I was with a group of people and we were camping out in the jungle, which I'm now tempted to call 'woods'. When darkness fell, we had to rely on our torches for light, and the primal fears began to kick in. The torch battery was only good for brief bursts of light, a few seconds at most, but we had also been instructed to save the battery for another reason, namely that prolonged illumination might attract unwanted predators. With this in mind, I was still eager to explore and see what animals might come out at night, so I went for a walk around camp.

Intermittently flashing the torch upwards towards the tree canopy, I was unsettled to discover that we were surrounded by a huge number of monkeys. The beam did not stay on long enough to discern what species they might be, but they were various, of all shapes and sizes. With some few exceptions, monkeys are by nature diurnal animals, and this is the second time this year I've dreamt about them being active at night. I write 'active', and yet for the most part they simply sat, squatted, hung and perched amongst the branches and vines overhead, albeit ominously. I became very conscious that at any moment I could be hit by a stream of urine, or worse, faecal matter. I returned to camp heavy with fear and foreboding.

Heads and Isopods

Some weeks back I was having dreams of a grotesque nature involving severed human heads. The first one I tried to ignore by not writing it down, but then the second one took place and forced me to take notice. My dreams can be vital clues as to what's going on in my life, and they have often proven to be downright prophetic. I ignore them at my peril. In the first dream, I was at Heartbreak Hotel in the dining room and kitchen area, being forced to look after the severed head of a man. It was a ghastly green in colour, and sat on a plate in the fridge, wrapped with clingfilm. Because I pushed the dream out of my mind, I don't remember too well the specifics of what happened, other than that the head may have been somewhat alive, and it had unpleasant appendages trailing off from it. If memory serves, the dogs were trying to eat it.

I have a clearer recollection of the second dream, which took place about a week or two later. This time the head in question was female, and she was most certainly dead, long dead if the state of her flesh was anything to go by. Emaciated and sickly green, her face was warped into a tortured scream, not unlike the skeletal corpse maquettes used in Spielberg films such as Poltergeist and Indiana Jones. Again, I was in possession of this head, and I was simultaneously attracted and repulsed by it. I may have purchased it from eBay. I placed the head between two large slices of bread to make a macabre sandwich, pressing them tightly together. The brittle skull cracked with the pressure, and green putrescence oozed out forming an unholy butter. Horrified by what I had done, I withdrew the head and placed it in a plastic jiffy bag. The sandwich had been intended for my dog, but the green gunk looked so nauseating and unwholesome, I threw them away.

I was then consumed by the fear, and I wanted to dispose of the head as soon as possible. I enlisted the help of a gang of teenagers, instructing them to bury it at the local cemetery, in such a way that it could never be traced back to me by police. After their briefing, which formed the longest section of the dream, they headed out into the night with torches and the offending head in a bag. However, they proved to be a bumbling, inept lot, and the operation was unsuccessful. That same night, a vagrant's dog dug up the head from its shallow grave, and the next day, the graveyard was swarming with police. I woke up before anything could be linked back to me, and I must confess that these severed heads have had me puzzled. I can't make head or tail of it. Were severed heads ever covered in Freud's The Interpretation of Dreams?

More recently, a few nights ago, I had another dream that revulsed me. There were no decapitated heads this time, but rather an appalling marine creature that will most certainly be making a future appearance in my novel's gallery of horrors. I was at a rundown zoo, as I usually am in dreams, making my way through an indoor aquarium. As I approached the exit, my face was almost brushed by a long spiny feeler extending over the top of an open tank. I flinched away and noticed a crowd of people gathered around the owner of the offending appendage. It was a giant isopod Bathynomus giganteus, a bottom-dwelling creature that exists in real life, but with some noticeable differences. The isopod resembles a giant woodlouse, complete with segmented carapace. In the dream, whilst retaining its vital anatomy, it also had long spiny antennae like a lobster, with coarse bristle pads at the ends of them.

I watched with mounting revulsion as a woman in a dark fur coat approached the isopod, which was hanging over the top of the tank, and embraced it. The isopod wrapped its feelers around the woman's head and began tenderly stroking her with the bristles. The woman brought her face up to the creature's complicated maw and kissed it, her lips pushing passionately against its chittering mandibles, her tongue thrusting deep into its mouth parts. As its many pointed limbs and feelers convulsed in sexual excitement, I could only stand and observe in horror. The kiss grew more passionate, the woman's hands roving over the isopod's carapace. People filmed the occasion on their mobile phones, as my stomach flip-flopped in sheer disgust. When the deed was done, and the woman was forced to move on by the crowd of visitors, I saw that she was crying.

"It was such a spiritual experience," she sobbed, wiping her eyes, as her friends consoled her. "Did you manage to film it? I need to put it on my Instagram." I caught a strong whiff of musky perfume as she passed, and guessed by her accent that she was foreign, possibly Eastern European or Russian. Whenever I think about the dream, I feel the bile rising in my chest. 

Potholing and Hotdogs

A couple of weeks ago, before contracting Covid, I dreamt that I was caving at Heartbreak Hotel. On the top floor is a crawlspace in the wall, a sort of sideways loft, and it was in here that we used to dump all our unwanted belongings. As a result, the loft was filled with all manner of paraphernalia: books, soft toys, PC games, college coursework, bags of clothes, etc. Whenever someone went in there, Daddy would hear the door opening and shout "You'd better not be dumping!" This time we were not dumping, we were excavating and caving. 

Similar to the phantom hallway in Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves, a strange hole had appeared amongst all the clutter. After some time spent tentatively probing it, I decided to launch a full scale expedition down there alone, with a rope tied around my waist. Li and my sisters watched as I cleared away armfuls of junk from the opening and lowered myself down. Each time the wooden beams supporting the crawlspace creaked from our movements, Daddy would shout up, "Get out of the loft!" I ignored him and lowered myself into the hole, confident he would never find me.

I shone a torch down the twisting shaft, but was unable to see too far down on account of all the clutter. It was necessary to excavate lots of it by throwing it up through the opening above me. At each turn in the descent, more rubbish needed to be cleared away, and as the bags of toys and clothes piled up above me, a real sense of claustrophobia started to kick in. I remembered John Jones trapped down in the Nutty Putty Cave, the same thing could easily happen to me, suffocating under heaps of accumulated household stuff. The minimalist in me was also deeply distressed, but it was too late to turn back, the hole must be conquered.

Sadly, I never got to finish the potholing, for the dream transitioned to something new. I was with Sir David Attenborough in a large warehouse, along with a worker conducting us on a tour. Tall metal shelves towered above us, and suspended on metal rods from the ceiling were cylindrical shaped packages resembling nuclear warheads or torpedoes. "Are those... sausages?" David asked, chuckling at the very idea. "Technically hotdogs," the tour guide told us, "this is a hotdog factory."

"My goodness," David laughed, exceedingly tickled by this revelation. Indeed, the weiners above us were of an immensity that would impress even the staunchest of vegans. I noticed then that the unwrapped ones were skewered on huge rotisseries, slowly rotating as they cooked. On the walls were stacks of grills, where smaller variants, but still gigantic by sausage standards, were being cooked. These would then roll off the trays and be tightly wrapped ready for shipment. They still looked more like sausages than hotdogs.

"Would you like to borrow one?" the tour guide asked us. "Oh yes please," said David, "my wife would be very interested in seeing such a giant sausage." I wasn't sure that I could return one of these monster hotdogs in a pristine state, so I asked if I could buy one instead. "This would feed my family for a week," I explained. The guide was unsure, they usually only loaned them out, but he went to fetch some giant boxes and to ask his supervisor. Whilst I waited, I wondered what use these things would be if we weren't allowed to eat them.

Sherlock and Watson

I was having a zoo dream about animals in squalid conditions when my daughter woke me up at 2am climbing by into my bed. Aside from a few nebulous impressions of baboons and other animals in crowded cages, I cannot recall enough details to write it down. So much for that! The next dream was a lot more memorable, with each detail fully formed and etched upon my memory. Here it is.

I was visiting a manor house with Li, in a place somewhere between Wivenhoe Park and the town of Lewes. The manor had a tea room where the public might visit and refresh themselves, and it was here that I learned the house would shortly be up for sale. Li and I tried to guess how much it would go for, I hazarded around a million, with the result being £800,000. Criminally low for such a large mansion, but this was dream logic at work. After boasting that I was closer to the mark than Li, we finished our tea and headed back into Lewes.

There we saw a convoy of school children and their teachers on bicycles, all the way from London. The child would sit on a small seat at the front, with their own set of pedals, whilst the teacher did the heavy pedalling on a seat from behind, in the manner of a daisy bike, or tandem. Li commented on how cute the children all looked, and that this would be Lulu one day. She then left to go somewhere else, and I turned into Jeremy Brett's Sherlock Holmes, from the ITV Granada series. I encountered my friend Darren, who had turned into Doctor Watson.

"Well met!" I called, linking my arm with his in a cordial fashion. We walked down the street thus linked, until we came to a gentleman's clothing shop. In the window were several fashionable outdoorsy garments, including hunting jackets, britches, and tweeds of every cut. We were both drawn to a pair of bay jodhpurs with forest green leather pads in an old world style. The price was £100, and we checked our wallets to see if we could afford them. Deciding that they were a bit pricey but good for a future purchase, we moved on from our window shopping.

Watson said, "I have an appointment to keep at the mansion tea room, with my old client Shelby and his wife. You may recall them from one of our past cases? Please do join us for tea, we would be delighted." In typical Jeremy Brett fashion, I rang out, "Hah! Shelby, that fool, I well remember. A particularly delicate affair. I will meet you at the manor." We parted ways, but not before Watson offered me the use of his bicycle. Why we couldn't walk there together was a mystery, but I got on his bike and began cycling. All of a sudden it was one of the daisy bikes from earlier, and I felt excessively foolish trundling over the countryside in it.

When I arrived at the manor, I did not present myself at the tea room immediately, but rather observed from afar. Somehow Watson had beaten me there on foot, and was enjoying his tea with Shelby and wife. I felt a pang of jealousy seeing them together, but something of professional pride kept me aloof. I did not want me former clients to recognise me, not least because of a scandal involving his wife. There then followed a rather surreal episode of me walking around the manor with my hand before my face, trying to hide in the various rooms, and Shelby's wife singing in a dreamy voice, "I know you from somewhere!"

Mouldy Bedroom

For the second time this year, I returned to No. 29 Ullswater Crescent. I also had a dream about it last year, so something is definitely brewing with that place. It might be trying to call me back - we shall see. The story this time was that we had been renting it out to tenants, and my family (that is myself, my parents, and my sisters) had gone back to inspect the condition of the house after evicting them. I spent nearly all of the dream in my old bedroom, reminiscing and going through my old things, many of which were still there. The fundamentals however, were changed beyond recognition, with dirty mattresses propped up against the walls, a second bed in the corner, and even a big computer station, such as I had as a teenager at Heartbreak Hotel.

I don't remember if the clown wallpaper was still intact. It was still there in the dream 'Return to Looseleigh', but I don't recall it being up last night. I would just like to dwell on a fact that doesn't get much recognition, namely that my bedroom in a haunted house was covered in creepy clown wallpaper. I mean, could it get any more clichéd? My parents didn't put it up, which means someone else with a demented mind, or a Victorian relic, thought it would be suitable for a young child. How times have changed! I recall there was one particular clown among the motley crew who I found creepier than the others. He was a big lump with bouffant black hair and a baggy backside. He reminded me of my friend, Michael Hayes, who I had left behind in Newcastle when moving to Plymouth.

The dimensions of the room had altered and it was much bigger than before, but still small enough to be considered a box room. In addition to the layout being off, the belongings had also changed. It was a mixture of my old stuff and the last boy's who had lived there. In the haste of their eviction, they had not taken all of their things with them. There were framed sports awards and certificates on the walls, trophies and medals, such as might be found in your typical American, red-blooded boy's bedroom. Certainly not fitting for an unathletic, British delinquent such as your narrator. Most of the awards were for tin-pin bowling. The top of the chest of drawers was covered in plastic superhero toys on stands, such as Batman and Superman. They looked like they might have been from cereals.

I decided that I wanted to live in this tiny room again, with scant possessions and no responsibilities. The bookcase still had my old Narnia books, as well as a whole range of Star Wars novelisations, and also some Hero's Challenge game books (Fighting Fantasy knockoffs). I felt a wave of nostalgia on seeing these, and thought about how far I had strayed from innocent, childish pleasures. Not as far as many other adults frankly, I was watching the animated Droids series last night, but something inside me has corrupted. Speaking of corruption, I noticed an unpleasant, fusty smell in the room, and the bedsheets on which I sat were cold and moist to the touch. I thought it might be due to the single glazed window, which could be seen dripping with water through blue, vertical fabric blinds.

Through the window, the glare of car headlights in the driveway shone into my face, and I became aware that I was topless, a grave sight to anyone who might be watching. I ducked down out of sight and tweaked the blinds closed. I quite enjoyed this feeling of being like a child once again. I turned my attention to my old computer, its bulky monitor, once white, was now stained a dirty yellow. I tried to power it up, eager to see if it still worked, but the light sputtered and failed to stay on. Whilst inspecting a loose connection, I discovered that the inside of the computer was full of a viscous black sludge. "That will need to be cleaned out before it'll work," said Terry Cooper, who had suddenly appeared in the room. 

Terry is someone I knew at university, but as to what he was doing in my old childhood bedroom at that moment, I had no idea."There's mould in the walls too," he announced, advancing towards the back wall with a tool in his hand. "It all needs gutting!" He swung the tool and made a hole in the wall, through which black mould could indeed be seen. I told him to wait before he caused further damage, for I wanted to photograph the bedroom and send it to my friends. "This mould could explain the ghost," Terry went on, "it could have induced hallucinations and panic attacks." I had heard this theory before - it is, to my mind, an idea just as fantastical as a supernatural entity. I do not blame people for trying to rationalise things, but the contortions of imagination can be outrageous. 

Terry ignored my request and recommenced hacking away at the wall, tearing off chunks of mould-pitted plaster. I looked around for items to salvage from the destruction and my eyes rested on a suit bag hanging in the wardrobe. I pulled it down, spread it out on the bed, unzipped it, and found a whole collection of cheesy shirts, waistcoats and jackets from the 1980s that had once belonged to my father. I tried on a particularly garish jacket that was far too small for me, and ran downstairs to show my family. My mother and sisters were crowding around the front door, waiting for the postman to ring the doorbell, which played 'Don't Stop Me Now', by Queen. When he failed to press the doorbell, they all sang the song loudly through the letterbox at him, scaring him out of his wits.

Vampire Scribe

Last night, I was a Familiar to a vampire lord of respectably high rank. I came across my dusty master in his dusty manor, ensconced in his dusty study, poring over a large number of dusty tomes and encyclopedias. I asked him what he was doing and he distractedly replied that he was plotting a grand tour of the vampire provinces to seek out (or force) political alliances for undisclosed purposes. "It's a dreary, thankless task," he muttered, "but I can't begin the tour without conducting the proper research or completing the paperwork." I asked if there was anything I could do to lend a hand, for I was after all, his servant. He seemed only too relieved to put down his quill, and explain what I had to do.

There was a large stack of papers, each one containing the same form template, but each relating to a different vampire lord. He was filling out each section, detailing such things as 'heritage and bloodline', 'how to approach X', 'how to respond to X gesture,' including sections for ideal bribes, special powers to be aware of, weaknesses to exploit, etc. It was a meticulous exercise in royal diplomacy and I admired my master's perspicacity. I was proud to serve such a shrewd vampire and the work appeared very much to my taste. An idea entered my head. "If you take me on as your employee, and match or exceed my current wage, I could quit my job and you would have me more often in your service." 

It was a bold request, but he knew that my family duties and timetabling job prevented me from being around more often. He seemed to mull it over, perhaps wanting to see how I performed at the task to hand. Before he could answer, the doorbell rang, a vampire caller. "We'll discuss this later," he said, as he rose to answer it. This was the best I could have hoped for, and I set to work, hoping I had not bitten off more than I could chew. The first paper, the one he had left off at, was none other than Count Dracula. I leafed through the numerous heavy books and newspapers scattered over the table, some of which were University of Cambridge publications. An old encyclopedia Britannia had a section on the famous count.

I began to transfer the relevant information to the form. Correct modes of address from humans were bowing, prostration, or grovelling, depending on the nature of the request. This did not apply to vampires, where such meetings were usually a contest of dominance and bluff, with escalating displays of strength. Dracula was from a very old strain of nobility, and as such he followed an antiquated, courtly form of parley. When he made a particular gesture with his hand, the correct response for a vampire ambassador would be to aggressively crawl towards him on the ceiling, so I drew small symbols on the form to denote this. I found all of it very interesting, and I fantasised about updating my LinkedIn to 'Vampire Scribe.' 

When he had dealt with the visitor, my master returned and asked how I was getting on. I excitedly told him everything I had learned about Dracula, hoping to impress him with my research, yet aware that there still remained a huge stack of forms to fill out. "Yes, yes, I know all of that," my master replied. "I always respond with an aggressive display of power. What I want to know are Dracula's secrets, how does he transfigure himself into a pillar of mist?" I sighed and said, "I'm afraid you won't find that written down anywhere. I can only offer what's been published. Have you thought about my proposal?" The vampire pondered, then said I must grant him his freedom in return, whereupon I told him he was getting his lores mixed up.

Up, Up and Away

Due to my guilt at being unable to walk Beibei yesterday, I dreamed that I had three pets to look after, acquired as a trio in a cardboard box from a newspaper advert. I not only failed miserably in this task, but also indulged in unintentional animal abuse. I was in a living room from my childhood, surrounded by family members, but my back garden and street were the same as those in Cooksbridge. There was a cute and charismatic puppy, towards which much fuss and attention was directed. He was seen as the main draw, with the others being unwanted add-ons, mere conditions of the purchase. Ironically, I have now forgotten the puppy's name and breed, so much for favouritism.

Then there was a shy, fluffy kitten with slitted eyes. Of the trio, she had received the least amount of attention. Indeed, the poor creature had not been given a name, and it was doubtful whether she had even been fed since arriving. I am not a big fan of cats, having never owned one as a pet, but this is not to say I dislike them. At some point in the dream, I remembered the kitten's existence, and argued about what to call her with my sisters. Based on the colour of her fur, my sisters claimed we should call her Honey. I didn't like this name, and thought she should be given something special to make up for the earlier neglect. I therefore changed it to Seyn, after my Star Wars waifu.

The third pet was an oversized, flop-eared bunny, excessively huggable, but prone to biting. We called him Flopsy and had played with him a lot before losing interest due to his unpredictability. Later on, I found him under the sofa and gave him a big squeeze, receiving bitten fingers in return. I wrapped a red blanket around him like a cape, and then tied 3 helium balloons to his torso. We put him into the garden, laughing hysterically as he hopped around, trailing the cape behind him. When leaping into the air, the flowing cape lent him the impression of being child sized, the balloons buoying him to even greater heights. A storm was brewing, with gale-force winds, and suddenly Flopsy was whisked into the sky.

We watched in dismay as he floated higher and higher. Flopsy let out squeaks of distress, kicking and squirming. The cape fluttered free, but the balloons remained firmly attached. Up and up Flopsy floated, into the clouds. Lulu pointed in wonder and bewilderment whilst we ran about like headless chickens. Either the balloons would burst and Flopsy would plummet to his death, miles from home, or he would rise into the very stratosphere, perhaps even into space. Soon he was but a tiny speck, at the same altitude as the planes from Gatwick. I grabbed a doctor's kit, and ran outside into the street, trying to keep him within my sights.

The winds dropped, and slowly Flopsy grew larger as he floated back to earth. Miraculously, he was borne back to our street and landed two door's down in the bushes of a neighbour's front garden. The landing was smooth, but I applied a stethoscope to his chest to check his heart rate. Only then did I realise that it was Lulu's toy doctor kit I had grabbed in my haste. To save face, I went along with the procedure anyway, telling everyone that his heart was going like a jack hammer, but he had survived the ordeal. At that point, the neighbours came home and were surprised to find a small crowd on their property, attending to a bunny with a toy stethoscope. Flopsy then gave my fingers a sharp nip, a sure sign he was back to his usual self.

Return to Looseleigh

There is a house in Plymouth where I spent the formative years of my childhood, and where I was first exposed to the sinister world of the supernatural. It was (and still is) an unassuming semi-detached house in a quiet neighbourhood on the edge of a wood. I could write at great length on that place, but I will refrain from doing so on this occasion. Like many dreams before, I made the pilgrimage there, although this time unwittingly, drawn back by a seemingly irresistible magnetism. 

The dream started with me preparing to go to a family gathering with Li in lower Wivenhoe. She was taking a long time getting ready, so I offered to go on ahead of her and buy some cigarettes (she smoked in the dream) on the way down. It was a Friday evening, and the off-license was packed with people pre-loading for a night out. I stood in a long queue as it slowly snaked around the cramped shop, tipsy, heavily-perfumed gaggles of fat women shoving me from all sides. Catching the infectious party vibe, I turned to a woman standing behind me and joked that I was going to catch Covid. 

Eventually it was my turn, and I asked for two packs of Benson and Hedges menthol, only to learn that nearly all of the cigarettes had sold out. As I left in dejection, the shop keeper ran after me claiming that he had found one last pack. I bought it and returned to my vintage bike outside, and was observed by a group of girls. I heard them whispering that I was a 'posh lad' so decided to play up a bit for their entertainment. When I cycled away, one of them shouted, "You're fit, but you need to go to the gym." I responded with, "I know, but I can't be arsed" in an exaggerated posh accent which set them all off giggling.

The road to lower Wivenhoe was heaving with people migrating in the same direction, many of them on foot. It took a lot of careful steering to avoid cycling into them, but progress was slow and I decided to make a detour. I peeled off down a side road, planning to make a big loop round, where I hoped the foot traffic would be less dense. Before I knew what was happening, I had arrived in Plymouth, at the top of the hill in Looseleigh, overlooking Ullswater Cresent. This was the neighbourhood of my youth. The woods I played in, more overgrown than I remembered, the grassy verges verdant and glowing green, the road slick with recent rainfall. It was the same, and yet not the same.

After breathing in the fragrance of it all, I decided I had enough time to quickly swing by my old house at No. 29. I planned to take a selfie in front of it, to post on the family Whatsapp group. Two little girls on trikes played outside on the road. They said goodbye to one another, and one of them bounded up the steps to my old house. "Do you live here?" I asked? She replied that she did, and I followed her up the stairs. The door opened and her parents appeared, eyeing me suspiciously for being with their child. I quickly explained to them that I used to live in their house, at which point they dropped their guard and came outside to talk to me. 

The man was middle-aged, overweight, with ginger string-like hair hanging from a mostly bald pate. The woman had cropped red hair and a gaunt aspect. I told them how much I had missed Plymouth over the years, and how the grass was greener here, on account of all the rain. With the small-mindedness of proud locals, they lapped up my adoration and explained how they had always lived nearby but only recently moved into this house. We talked about people who used to live on the estate, and they asked if I remembered so-and-so. It was starting to get dark, and I had a party to be at, but still I had to see inside. I had to know. 

Somehow I found myself indoors, apologising profusely for taking up their time, wiping my shoes on the hall mat, telling them I would be quick. The little girl was in the bedroom where my sisters slept, preparing for bed, and I took some photos in the dark on my phone, mostly of the wardrobe. Who knew what would show up? Next I went into the hallway and revisited my old room with the creepy clown wallpaper. As I was taking a photo, the flash illuminated the saggy naked body of the mother, who had undressed to go in the shower. I apologised and hurried downstairs, hoping she hadn't seen me. 

I had a wee in a narrow downstairs toilet (which doesn't exist in real life) and then a snoop around one more room. It was the father's music room, and it was full of acoustic guitars, all laid out in rows, too many to count. The man approached me with a quizzical air, wondering why I was still loitering. After snapping a few more photos, I apologised again and made to leave, having far outstayed my welcome. I hesitated at the front door, and blurted out, "Are you enjoying living here? You haven't experienced any... disturbances, have you?"

"What do you mean? And why do you ask?" the man asked, panic creeping into his voice. I was on the verge of telling him, but it seemed somehow too cruel. After all, they had to live there. "Oh nothing really, I just meant like loud noises at night, that sort of thing? Never mind!" It was clear that whatever spectral presence had lurked there in yonder years was long gone. Either way, I looked forward to analysing the photos later. The man closed the door behind me, only too eager to see me gone. I had turned up uninvited, imposed myself upon them, and spied on his wife naked.

I cycled away from Looseleigh, towards the main city of Plymouth, which in dream logic, would take me to lower Wivenhoe. It was lighter in the city, the cloak of darkness had not yet brushed it. Jolly Irish pubs bellowed out music, and hot dog wagons gushed their effluence into the evening air. Suddenly a silver car beeped me, startling me out of my observations. It was two of my sisters, Fallon and Dana. They beckoned me inside. "Party is cancelled," they told me, "nobody turned up and there's massive drama with Camella and Lloyd." Then they drove me back home, filling me in on all the gossip. This part of the dream at least, was realistic.

Boundary Road Unbound

We all had a terrible night's sleep last night due to Lucinda crying and being unsettled. When I finally did doze off around 2am, I had some busy dreams, the majority of which I've now forgotten. Belugas featured again. I was with my family at a zoo that resembled the indoor African zone at Colchester Zoo, but it was more of an aquarium. Instead of the cafe area with benches on a balcony overlooking the plains animals, there was a metal staircase leading up to an open air tank. 

I ascended the staircase and saw a Chinese man balancing on the head of a giant beluga. He was performing to a small crowd of people standing around the tank. I called Lulu up to see, and I remember being terrified that she would fall into the tank and either drown or be eaten by the beluga. I took her hand and waited for the whale to surface, but when it did, its head resembled a mutant creature, with a bony carapace and clicking mandibles. I pulled Lulu away from it in revulsion.

In the next part of the dream, I was at Heartbreak Hotel with my friends Drew and Kate. I had a pet micro lion, a toy animal model that had come alive and needed looking after. I was in the process of cleaning out its habitat, which was a swathe of savanna grass and tiny acacia trees attached to a wooden board in the manner of a model railway diorama. Its food and bedding needed replacing, and the only place I could procure these from was Essex University. Drew told me the supplies were in the SU storeroom, but to get the key I would first need another key from the security office. I told him it sounded like a video game quest.

The afternoon was getting on but I decided to make the trip so the lion could have food and clean straw for the night. Drew agreed that this was a good idea since the lion was in its 'primal stage' and would stand to benefit from stats boosts. Perhaps it was like a Tamagotchi with levelling up capabilities. My friends came onto the driveway to see me off, and as I cycled away Kate shouted, "Looks like you are the leader after all!" I didn't understand her comment, so I just waved my hand dismissively.

It was my first time cycling in several years, and my old bike was stiff with rust and disuse. My balance was also off, and I wobbled to and fro as I tried to stay on my side of the road. The road between Wivenhoe and the university had become unrecognisable. The cycle path was gone, the familiar trees had been cut down and new ones planted, the left turn from Colchester Road onto Boundary Road was no longer there. There were also wooded hills in the distance across the fields, reminding me of when I cycled in Chengdu.

Disorientated and confused, I stopped to ask a construction worker in a high viz jacket for directions to campus. "Straight across the road, up the stairs, or access ramp with your bike, down the other side, turn right, then left, second exit at the junction, double back on yourself and you'll loop round and enter from the south side. You can't miss it." As is always the case when directions are too complicated, I pretended to understand and thanked him for his help.

I walked my bike across the dual carriageway, noticing how light the traffic was. It was the dead weeks before term started, and none of the students were around. I reached the other side, arriving at the bottom of a steep covered stairway and ramp, just as it started to rain. I noticed that some facilities had been built here, so I decided to quickly check them out. It was a small shopping village for students, with brand new businesses. I entered a building called 'Well Bean', wheeling my bike through the glass doors. 

It was a Japanese cafe, gym, and hangout area for students living on campus. Two old CRT televisions stood in the hangout zone, playing programs from the nineties. I ventured into the cafe to check the menu, but the place was not yet open for business. Artisan coffee and Japanese desserts, such as Dango dumplings on sticks, were listed. A middle-aged Japanese woman with a mop came out and I told her how appetising the menu looked. She didn't understand me, so she just smiled, bowed, and said "hai!" until it got awkward and I left, apologising for the muddy bike tracks.

It was then time to ascend the stairway, but I brought my bike into the wrong lane, the side with the stairs instead of the slope. Sensing the eyes of the construction worker on me from across the road, I owned my mistake rather than shamefully backtracking. I was panting and sweating when I reached the top. The walkway levelled out and I crossed a bridge (not unlike the Hythe's infamous Spider Bridge) with good views of the altered landscape. I had to admit to myself that the development was impressive, but the whole arrangement seemed nonsensical, and put me in mind of M. C. Escher's 'Relativity'.

I was above campus looking down. It stopped raining and the sun came out, illuminating a cluster of modern art sculptures on the grass by the carpark. They looked like abstract figures made of chunky, orange plastic pipes. There were about fifty or so, arranged in a chaotic jumble that made one's eyes wobble. I soon realised that I was on a bridge above Square 2, near the Economics department, but I woke up before I made it to the security office. Mission failed, I suppose.

Night Garden

For some strange reason, I was camping at the North Pole with my family. We were in the middle of nowhere, staying in an insulated square room with a big pane of glass replacing one of the walls so we could look outside whilst remaining cosy. It was night time, and a fierce blizzard was raging outside. Beibei had run off into the snow, and my wife and daughter had moved a bed outside and were huddled beneath the blankets whilst the snowstorm howled all around them. A news report on a small television in the corner of my room reported the threat of a mutant polar bear that was preying on tourists. It was characterised by having one green eye and one red, and was said to have a murderous appetite. Fearful of an imminent attack, I whistled for Beibei to get back inside, and then managed to convince my wife and kid to sleep indoors. 

"It's not safe out there," I told them, explaining that they would either freeze to death or be eaten alive by the rogue predator. With my family back inside, I locked the door and turned up the heating, watching the white snowflakes hitting the glass wall and piling up. I had never before experienced such savage bleakness as this wilderness. The night was blacker and hollower than pitch and I cringed from it in fear, expecting to see a glowing red and green orb approaching the window at any moment. Although the polar bear never made an appearance, I spent a restless night in mortal dread. Later on, the blizzard blew itself out and we were treated to a view of the aurora borealis. It was hauntingly beautiful, a ghostly green glimmer lighting up the frozen landscape.

In the next scene, it was dusk, and I was back in England, staying at my parents' house. It was a combination between their house in Wivenhoe, my own in Cooksbridge, and also our old Newcastle house. My mother told me there were a lot of animal visitors at night, so I installed myself in the bedroom window overlooking the back garden with a pair of binoculars and began a vigil to see what would emerge. As the sun went down and the light dwindled, I thought I saw large animals moving around in the field behind the house, but I couldn't tell if they were cows or deer. Next I watched some garden birds flitting around in the branches of a tree that grew near the patio.

Besides the more common native birds, the first visitor of note was a medium-sized passerine with drab brown and grey markings. It resembled a Large Woodshrike, but later I was to learn that is was a 'falchion', named after the sword on account of its slightly curved beak shape. The bird does not exist, but in the dream it was not native to the British Isles, and as the night wore on, other exotic animals were to appear. Soon it was too dark to see anything, so I fetched a torch, and also called my daughter over to spot the animals with me. We shone the torch beneath the tree, illuminating the side of a garden fence, overgrown with branches and vines. In the dense foliage we saw round glowing eyes reflected back at us.

At first I took this to be an owl, but as the beam adjusted, it was revealed to be a monkey. There were several of them here, all medium-sized, of two different species. There were titi monkeys (exact species unidentified but either San Martins, Vieira's or Parecis) which I had initially mistaken for owls on account of their round white faces and big eyes. Their long bushy tails hung like bathrobe cords beneath where they huddled in the branches. There were slender-limbed leaf monkeys, or langurs, also unidentified but ginger in coloration and with the peaked hairstyle seen on the Francois species. They were more active than the titis, and leaped around the tree foraging for food and avoiding my torch beam. With the exception of night monkeys, all monkeys are diurnal, so seeing them here was strange.

I moved the beam to the bottom of the fence and, slumped beneath the dangling tails of the titis, was a solitary slow loris (probably Sunda). These primates are nocturnal. It remained motionless, frozen in place by the torch, its eyes shining like car headlamps. Lulu grew excited by all the different types of animals outside, but when I pointed out a shallow stream with lots of small fish swimming around, she told me that fish were boring. From my position on the windowsill, I spotted some tiny written labels on the patio, as seen in an aquarium or museum, detailing what all the species were. Even with my binos, visibility was too poor to read them properly.

We positioned ourselves at another window near the front of the house to see what else we could find. This window was on the ground floor and looked out onto a hedge bordering the driveway. First, a chestnut-coloured weasel plopped out of the hedge, wormed across the driveway, and into the neighbour's house through their letterbox. Then I saw the grey snout of a Virginia Opossum pushing through the hedge, its mouth opened wide in a whiskery snarl. No longer content with seeing these animals from inside the house, I put my coat on and ventured out into the back garden, bringing Lulu with me. At our approach, all the creatures vanished as though they had never been there at all.

I stood in the garden beneath a full moon, looking into the illuminated windows of the neighbours on both sides. On my left, an image of my early childhood. It was the bedroom of a Cooksbridge neighbour, a three year old boy. His walls were full of He-Man, Thundercats, and other eighties memorabilia - posters, banners, and toy plastic shields. To my right was my parents' neighbour's son's room, a teenager. His was lit with a green spooky glow and showed posters of Hammer Horror classics, B-movies, monsters, zombies, and all that good stuff. He was watching late night television and undergoing a formative horror education, just as I had done when I was his age. I was profoundly affected by this dream.

Seaside Depot

A familiar and recurring location manifested itself in this dream, namely a seaside resort sharing elements of real life locations. I had recently passed my driving test and was allowed to venture forth by myself for the first time. No longer beholden to public transport, I took my dog, Beibei, and drove for about an hour until I came to the aforementioned place. My vehicle was a curious thing. Taller than it was wide, it resembled a miniature bus fitted with flashing disco lights around the bonnet. It ran on electricity instead of petrol. I drove it through the ticket barrier into a multi storey car park but, being a new driver and lacking confidence, I allowed a nearby valet to park it in a bay for me. He also performed a cleaning service. I left Beibei behind, with the windows cracked, and ventured out onto the pier.

It was a grey, brisk day, and the sea gleamed with a milky haze. There were many leisure amenities on the pier, including a large building called the Seaside Depot. It was a mall-like complex containing arcades, restaurants, bars, a theatre, cinema, swimming pool, etc. There was also an outdoor fair with rides, and a zoo with a monorail running through it. I was supposed to be attending a live stand up performance featuring a famous comedian but his name completely escapes me now. I don't like comedy and had probably been peer pressured into it. Still, I was happy to be exploring a new place and trying something different. I asked two charity collectors sitting outside the gates where I could buy a ticket, and they handed me a map of the complex.

Scanning the map for the hall where the comedy act was supposed to take place, I was excited to see that the outdoor zoo had a section labelled 'African Savanna' marked with hippo icons (my favourite animals), but unfortunately I woke up before I got to see them. I entered the Depot and followed a maze of corridors searching for the main reception. As I ventured deeper into the complex and had a good look around, all thoughts of the comedy act were forgotten. The zoo itself had been enough to tempt me to change my plans, and I determined to fully scout out the area with a view to bringing my child along on one of our Daddy and Daughter days. I descended a staircase and was met with the reek of chlorine.

I was in a long, clinically-lit passageway full of complex pipework, pumps, and filtration devices. Water sloshed over the sides of rectangular basins lined up along both sides of the passage, the tops of which were at hip level to myself. This is recurring dream imagery I've had since I was a child, so I had a good idea of what to expect. Ear-splitting whistles and screams suddenly rose above the whirr of machinery, the gurgle of water, and the clanking of pipes. In the narrow water troughs on the left, I saw the white, rounded, melon heads of belugas bobbing up and down. Belugas have featured in my dreams a lot since I saw them in a Beijing aquarium and was deafened by their screams. I have always felt that they are too large to keep in captivity, and their tanks in the dream were little more than water troughs.

Farther along, at about the midway point of these strange holding tanks, I came across another curious sight. On the right hand side, an even smaller tank held two blue wildebeests. They aren't actually blue, that's just their species name. Although wildebeest are strong swimmers, having to navigate fast-flowing rivers, they are most certainly not aquatic, or even semi-aquatic beasts. They huddled together, lower halves submerged in the water, their top halves slumped against the wall. Sodden manes plastered against shivering necks, dripping beards, and rolling, bloodshot eyes gave me the the impression of miserable old men in a bathtub. A typical feature of these dreams is to have animals squashed into tanks that are far too small for them, paddling pitifully in tight circles, or wallowing listlessly like these wildebeest.

I left the hall of tanks behind and came into a carpeted lobby with an American diner off to the side. The smell of cooking made me hungry. I noticed that some people had their dogs with them on leads, so I decided to head back to the car for Beibei. Once there, dream logic kicked in and my daughter was also in the car with Beibei. She was covered in bad eczema rashes and I began applying her cream whilst telling her about the place I had discovered. I awoke soon after this, filled with a desire to visit the beach. Our subsequent trip to Brighton was a bad idea. I got into an argument with an interfering woman accusing me of animal abuse because I tied Beibei up outside the swing park. I also had an unpleasant encounter with a charity salesman, prompting me to wonder if my dream had not been slightly prophetic.